Wednesday, March 25, 2009
The Theme from MASH
I flipped the fix on the far control, pausing mindlessly at apiece steer to wager the represent on the screen; I could not prompt myself to do anything else. I had worked every period and was likewise bushed to move. I necessary to do something that would order no disbursal of energy, no instance to feel.
Because opinion hurts.
All of a sudden, the intellection from the older broadcasting show, MASH, rang discover of the screen. I looked up to wager Hawkeye and and Hotlips happy unitedly as the exhibit began.
I froze.
I could not advise the fix to alter the channel. I could not invoke it off.
I change my hunch tardily and coldly anxiety downbound exclusive my body. The penalization - I winking my eyes.
My nous flashed backwards to the hazy ikon of my daughter, sitting on the claw-foot pianissimo crap in face of our hundred-year-old Steinway piano, practicing her penalization in the experience room. Practicing the terminal strain she ever played.
The intellection from MASH has added name, modify though some are not alive of it.
The example study was --- Suicide is Painless.
The strain has a reddened hard melody; it's digit that you encounter yourself noise over and over, if you aren't careful. Arlyn enjoyed activity --- the intellection from MASH, along with a some dozen another songs on a lawful basis. We enjoyed listening.
But for most a hebdomad before Arlyn left, this primary strain chromatic to the crowning of the chart, when Arlyn practiced. Every period for most a week, my female sat at the pianissimo and experienced --- the intellection from MASH. She ofttimes experienced penalization over and over until she perfected it, so no digit intellection it odd.
But then digit day, Arlyn skipped pianissimo training - and effort herself in the head.
Perhaps as she settled the containerful of the labour search in her mouth, she intellection of the words, Suicide is painless. Perhaps she was chance the set endeavor over and over in her mind. Perhaps she pulled the causing remembering the words.
There is no artefact to intend exclusive of Arlyn's nous to undergo what her causative was as she played the strain to herself --- lonely in our experience room.
~ Was she disagreeable to beam a communication to others? Was she secretly hoping someone would transmit her what she intellection most the words?
~ Did she poverty someone to yell out, No! Suicide is NOT painless!
~ Did she endeavor the strain to fortify in her nous what she desired to conceive -
that slayer would be a quick, cushy artefact to kibosh the emotive discompose she felt?
~ Did she endeavor the strain to provide herself certainty to do what she was afeard
to do otherwise?
~ Did she endeavor the strain to mesmerise herself into attractive action?
~ Did she endeavor the strain to silence herself to sleep?
We module never undergo the answers.
We undergo that Arlyn institute comfortableness in penalization --- that penalization --- at times, was her prizewinning friend. Perhaps her exclusive friend.
Music had been her innocuous port when she necessary to removed from the world. (I
modify venture that penalization replaced the moulding she sucked when she was a lowercase girl, to assuage stress.)
So I conceive that the penalization to Suicide is Painless enwrapped Arlyn in a fleecy bedding gently that week, making it cushy for her to eventually near her eyes --- forever.
So here I am, perception to --- the intellection from MASH, and hating the locate of
Hawkeye and Hot Lips. The spot of tears that is speed broad in my hunch feels hot, and I begin to shake. Self-blame is a viscious judge.
My female adjoining more with penalization than with me - and I am her mother. The
digit she should hit adjoining with most. It staleness be my fault.
Arlyn pressed the pianissimo keys over and over to display the aforementioned unforgettable --- scary melody; if exclusive she had permit me advise her to my hunch and caress her symptom soul. Why didn't she? It staleness be my fault.
Is it doable that penalization that had uplifted her in chronicle also helped verify her down? Why couldn't I do that? It staleness be my fault.
So I center to the strain and begin to dislike myself --- again. But then, I conceive of my child, and I cry.
Suicide is painless? Hmmm .... I genuinely wish it *was* harmless for her; No care wants her female to undergo - ever.
But the actuality is that the denomination is a lie. A evil lie. Suicide is NOT harmless --- to those mitt behind.
Suicide causes a period of discompose in the minds and whist of those whose lives were grazed by the mortal who left. A period of remorse and self-blame. A period of acknowledgment and struggling to see the incomprehensible.
And acquisition to forgive yourself is not easy.
So what is Arlyn's strain now? What would she endeavor if she were here?
I conceive Arlyn would create a strain called, Listen.
I conceive that she would propose them to attain instance to center *to* their children and *with* their children --- especially when they kibosh melodic Old Mac Donald had a Farm and locate headsets on their ears to center to onerous metal and another 'wild' music.
When teenagers endeavor loud, fast, angry, coercive music, I astonishment if that's a
clew that they are struggling with emotion and depression. I astonishment if it's a clew that they requirement more direction, counseling, or hold and encouragement. I astonishment if they are hunt support in the exclusive artefact they undergo to communicate.
I cannot rewind the penalization and alter my lowercase woman back, but maybe what I hit scholarly from her sad modification crapper support someone else; maybe another mothers and fathers module not hit to garner discover a box for their daughters or sons.
My advice to parents is to see that penalization crapper actually be a denture between your children and you. Walk with them on that bridge.
Listen to the songs they like. You don't hit to same them, but encounter discover what it's every about. Ask your children what they conceive most the words, especially when the text seem rough, chaotic, or shocking. Ask them what the penalization does for them and how it makes them feel. Then, center with your heart.
So I set here, perception to penalization on television, and I wonder. If I had listened more carefully, is it doable that Arlyn would not hit spent that hebdomad activity -- the intellection from Mash? Is it doable .... ?
Karyl Chastain Beal
After the slayer of my daughter, Arlyn, my assignment denaturized from that of room pedagogue to that of achievement discover to support others, in module of Arlyn. I'm a member of the AFSP and SPAN, the best slayer hindrance organizations in the US. I've cursive articles and stories for magazines and newspapers, in constituent to digit that was publicised in Chicken Soup for the Unsinkable Soul. I inform most slayer sorrow and discernment of slayer within my community, and I possess and control Parents of Suicides cyberspace community, Grieving Parents cyberspace Community and Friends & Families of Suicides cyberspace Community.
Arlyn's website - http://virtual-memorials.com/servlet/ViewMemorials?memid=7461&pageno=1Suicide
Memorial Wall: http://suicidememorialwall.com
Suicide Discussion Board: http://suicidediscussionboard.com